Throw Away Shame and Build Your Life: On Trying and Failing

Hello. 

I’m Ijeoma Ntada, and welcome to my corner of Substack! Here, you’ll find me exploring the intersections of art, science, and advocacy. I opened this account as a way to embrace creativity freely, confront my own fears of self-expression, and lean into the “cringe.”

I have great respect for people who write personal pieces and share them. It’s akin to peeling an onion—unravelling yourself layer after layer for the world to see. I have tried a few times to write and share my personal stories. I did the writing, but not the sharing. I felt too seen, too exposed. Too out there. How could I put a part of myself out there for strangers to read? Eww, too cringe. 

But here I am again, making yet another attempt. I truly hope I share this one.  As a content writer, I am a big fan of putting yourself out there. You must be visible. You must be seen. This is not the time to sonorously sing “I’m shy, I’m shy.” No matter how brilliant a light is, people won’t share in its brilliance if it stays hidden under a bushel. No matter how great a writer you are, how would anyone know if you never share?  How will the opportunities you seek find you? Definitely not on your bed or in the comfort of your room. My friend, leave shame behind. It is not your burden to bear. I remember reading a tweet from Efe Johnson that said: 

Ijeoma, throw away your cringe and write this story and share it. Who knows, maybe another member of the “eww, that’s cringe” club will feel inspired to step into the light too. It would interest you to know that I’ve hesitated with sharing this personal story for months now.

A lot of us fail at projects before we even begin. We self-reject. We stumble through interviews for jobs we haven’t even applied to. Our minds are clouded with what ifs. What if the content flops? What if it all goes wrong? What if I start and can’t execute perfectly? What if people think I’m cringe? What if a lion steps on the toes of an ant and drinks the water in the coconut? What if? What if? What if? So many what ifs that do not matter at all in the grand scheme of things. 

Hey, how about you let go of all those "what ifs," take the plunge, and just do the thing? It is time to quit worrying about the quality of work you haven’t even begun to create. Stop rejecting yourself. The thought of being our own strongest opposition on our journey isn’t great, right? If we can’t have our own backs, who will?

Earlier this year, I was a staunch member of the what if gang. Truth be told, it had me in a chokehold. This time, it wasn’t about my writing or letting myself be seen. It was about Girls for Health and Literacy. My non-profit. My baby. One of my life’s works. If you know me well, you would know how passionate I am about this organization, which I started with my friends as a teenager.

Over the years, I have led impactful projects in healthcare and education through this nonprofit. Inspired by these past successes, I envisioned a new initiative in early 2024. A book donation project, which soon took shape as The Literacy Project.

This project was born from the sadness I felt after visiting schools for different projects in the past. I saw great potential in the students I encountered, but I couldn’t help but notice the poor state of affairs in some of these schools. Especially the public schools. From the lack of books to other learning materials and to poor orientation on the essence of education. All of these left me deeply concerned. I believe a child’s formative years are crucial to their development and hence must not be treated with levity.

The last time I visited a school, it was Abraka Grammar School, where I organised an HIV/AIDS awareness campaign for WORLD AIDS Day as the Secretary General of my departmental association. With the authority of my position, I seized the opportunity to extend this campaign to two secondary schools in Abraka(Abraka Grammar School and Delta State University Secondary School).

World AIDS Day, 2023.

Through interaction with students, I knew I had to do something no matter how infinitesimal it might seem. The goal is to improve literacy, even in small ways. If I can’t do grand things, I can at least do small things in the most impactful ways. This and other things that I won’t talk about yet ended up being the major inspiration behind the literacy project.

The project was targeted at donating at least 50 books monthly to public school students in Abraka for six months. I had a working system: a team of amazing volunteers who believe in the vision, and a crazy belief that I can do anything.

The first month of this project took my team and I to Aweke Primary school, Abraka. I met with the headmistress of the school few weeks prior to the chosen date for our donation in order to gather information on the types of books needed and to also gain insight on the common challenges faced by pupils in the course of learning. The headmistress was kind to me, she didn’t hesitate to answer my questions and provide me with the information I needed.

In the course of meeting with the headmistress, I also met with class teachers of primary 4,5 & 6. They were the classes with the most pupils without necessary books like Verbal Reasoning, Quantitative Reasoning, English Language and Mathematics textbooks. Meeting with the headmistress and teachers was very helpful. It helped us purchase what was truly necessary for our donation. Thanks to generous donors and Tracy, one of my co-founders who sourced books at better prices, we were able to supply books for the pupils who needed them in primary 3, 4, 5, & 6.

We didn’t leave primary 1 pupils out of our donations. We got those little ones some notebooks, pencils and erasers. For some reason, they were the most excited. Their joy was palpable. If I were wealthy, I would have given them all the books and learning materials they needed. But, I’m in my broke pre-rich phase. So we do what we can while we work to get our money up. 

First book donation at Aweke Primary School.

The first donation at Aweke Primary school went smoothly. As smooth as fluffy eba and okra soup gliding down my throat. I felt so happy and fulfilled. By the second donation, I was no longer in Abraka. I was in Sapele for my laboratory posting and the intensity of work I had didn’t let me travel down to Abraka. I worried about the success of the event. But thanks to the ever present GHL team, a successful project was had at Abraka model primary school. I spent the evening of that day smiling as I watched pictures from the donation. Seeing pictures of that donation brought me so much joy. I wished I could travel back in time and teleport to join them, but I basked in the fulfillment of seeing the project carried out just as I’d envisioned.

Second Book Donation at Abraka Model Primary School.

After the second donation, raising funds for the third became challenging. God, my heart broke. I didn’t share it at the time, but I was disappointed in myself for not being able to improve the situation. Doubts crept into my heart and I began to second guess almost everything.

Was the literacy project all a mistake from the start? Should I have waited until I had everything ready before starting?

But they say start where you are and with what you have, right? I did just that and I didn’t do so great. I felt this way for months until a friend called me and asked how things were going with GHL. I was very honest and open about everything. I expressed my fears, concerns and everything in between.

We had a long and heartfelt conversation that lifted me from the sadness I felt. I’ll never not be grateful for friendships and the genuine conversation. You don’t realise how much you need them until they come along. They have a way of pulling you back from the edge of your own thoughts and the weight of everything around you.

At the end of that conversation, my friend said something profound that has stayed with me since then. “Ijeoma, it is normal to face challenges like this when you begin things newly. Especially for non-profit projects like this. I am proud of you and what you do and I hope you do not give up on Girls for Health and Literacy…” 

Now, I have no regrets about starting The Literacy Project. I’m grateful for the work my team and I accomplished with The Literacy Project. Each time I remember the happy faces of the children we donated books to, my heart feels warm. I wouldn’t trade those happy moments for anything.

I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learnt about running a non-profit these past months. I will definitely incorporate them into future projects. While the literacy project stays on hold for now, my fire and passion will not wane. I continue to continue. 

I love this last line. It’s a line from Lucille Clifton’s i am not done yet. 

Ijeoma is not done yet.